A little girl that desperately wanted to be somebody. Wanted to be good at something. Mattering in this world was a huge thought in this little mind.
Does this sound like anyone you know?
Do thoughts or feeling come from your own heart or mind as being that little girl that wanted to matter to someone.
The little girl I am referring to, is me
Throughout my life I have spend an enormous amount of time attempting to please.
Who was I trying to please you ask?
Quite honestly I didn’t really know at the time.
Without any knowledge, I was single handedly trying to please anyone I cared about or thought might care about me.
Being witness to how church people treated my parents caused great heartache at a very early age.
Knowing that those in the church were supposed to love and care for each other, to support their pastor and his family…. right?
Understand, there were many who showed kindness and love, but others created more hurt in our lives then I’m sure they ever imagined they would
At a very young age I discovered not all people were loving.
You are more than likely reading saying to yourself “We all are aware of that”!
We are, but we all struggle with that realization in different ways.
As I grew older I soon realized it was exhausting beyond words trying to please everyone. I discovered that if I spent my life trying to make everyone happy and fixing everything that went wrong that the genuine love and friendship that I desired would become nonexistent and impossible to experience .
I also discovered that in all reality I was being selfish. I was extinguishing any values I held so important, and not applying the actions and desires of my true heart. It seemed that it had been worth foregoing my beliefs and true feeling about situations just to prove compliant to others
I had collected baggage along the way that wasn’t going to be so easily left behind. Despite my desire to change, I struggled in ways I can’t even begin to completely put into words.
Throughout my life control had become an addiction in my life. Control of my physical body, what I ate, what I weighed…it became more important that anything. It frightened me.
Anxiety attacks became the norm in my life. Social anxiety…..it was so difficult even to answer the door some days. I had always been very much of a social person and that seemed to be under attack.I’d find dizziness and a sickness in my stomach that was totally unwelcome in situations I felt I had no control over.
I had become so critical of myself, that what others thought began to send me over the edge.
Where was the precious joy of life that I’d always craved? The joy that a child exudes, like a babies first belly laugh! I wanted it so desperately!
Who was I really? Was I still that little girl that had grown up willing to be what everyone else desired for me to be? Was I ready to move forward, to be what the Lord had called me to be in my life, regardless of what others would think?
I spent hours praying that the Lord would just take away the physical signs and the emotional damage.
So many things in life that would be so easily blamed on others, choices I’d made allowing others to choose for me because I wanted to make them approve of me. I had chosen to please instead of standing up and making good decisions based on what God wanted for my life.
I began to open my heart , to let the aches and pains disintegrate. The Lord somehow was healing me.
I didn’t completely understand what was happening to my heart, but I did know that if God made the mountains, and could move them Himself, He could touch my life.
As time progressed I became more aware of His goodness.
He began supplying strength I didn’t know that I had.
He provided prayer warriors around me. Friends that were not conditional, and loved me not because I pleased them or did things for them.
The Lord has opened doors in my life, and closed the ones that were unacceptable and unhealthy.
He has given me the desire to love others, to give of my heart in a genuine way.
Everyday is a new challenge and still struggles are there.
Who was I trying to please? Well, truthfully….myself, without realizing it I was trying to please me.
Today I can say to you that my desire is to please the Lord in all I do.
I know that not all things I do are pleasing to Him, but I do know that His grace is sufficient for me and He loves me unconditionally in spite of my faults and sin and He forgives me.
I want to please Him by loving his people and what He has created instead of trying to please myself…or to be in control of my surroundings.
Who are you trying to please?